(Spoiler: He doesn’t exist)
Photo by Tina Marie Elena
Written by Mickie Woods
He doesn’t exist
First things first, let’s abolish the myth of “the one”. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but “the one” simply doesn’t exist. And it’s important to unlearn this because it’s an unhealthy idea that reinforces the belief that you are not whole alone — that you need another to complete you, as if you can’t be “the one” to yourself. Not to mention, apart from yourself, you can have many “ones”! You can meet several people throughout your life who pair well with who you are at that time of your life. You need to know that, if something doesn’t work out with one person, there is a huge chance you’ll meet someone who is just as compatible as the last (if not more) out of the nearly 8 billion people on this planet.
You’re looking for someone perfect
Sometimes it’s our own expectations that hold us back. You might be looking for someone perfect — someone who has their whole life together when you don’t even have your own life together (yikes). I am definitely guilty of this. Often we make the mistake of looking for a loving romantic partner, bomb sexual partner, life partner and best friend, confidant, travel buddy, party buddy, chill buddy, and co-parent all in one person. That’s extremely difficult to find without having a few decades of partnership under your belt! TV, social media, and more will have you believing that this is easy — but in reality, it’s very hard, and it causes us to focus on all the areas we feel our partners fall short instead of valuing their existing great qualities. Just remember that no one person can excel at all these characteristics all at once, all the time. No one person can meet all your needs — dating is about finding others who complement us, not complete us.
You don’t know yourself
Which is ok and actually normal! Just don't be someone who is not working on themself. More than likely you’re not fully aware of your strengths and weaknesses, where you excel, where you fall short… otherwise — you wouldn’t be reading this article. But the good news is that we are constantly evolving. And it can be hard as f*** to keep up with ourselves. Pro tip: Take online quizzes and learn your attachment style, love language, and ideal relationship structure. Each of these are incredibly helpful tools for learning more about yourself and therefore creating healthier, more informed relationships. The key is to make it a habit to continually check-in with yourself. Whether you do this through therapy, smoking ganja alone on the weekends, or having friends who hold you accountable — make sure you’re getting real with yourself on the regular and making self-awareness a priority.
It’s your season for solitude
Keep in mind that it just might be a season for you to be alone instead of partnered. You might need more experience — experience learning yourself and loving yourself. Use this time to reflect on what you like and don’t like, and what you need and don’t need in your partner and in your life. And being single doesn't have to mean “alone” ;) Be a thot! Date for fun! Go speed-dating. Download a dating app. Go to bars by yourself. Leave your number on napkins. Lessen the pressure on yourself to find “Mr. Right” and date for pleasure. However you choose to spend your solitude, make sure you prioritize yourself while remaining open-minded and putting yourself out there in the world.
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