Written by Mickie Woods
As a proud sexual deviant, I’ve experienced many different well-functioning dicks but also many malfunctioning dicks. Performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, extremely long refractory periods — you name it, I’ve been with partners who experience it. But I have never once shamed a partner for their hangup. I know that dicks come in all different forms and I love them all the same <3
I myself have struggled on and off with a sexual dysfunction for over 2 years so I know what it’s like to have your mind in one place and your body in another. While my hangup has never been severe, it has definitely had a negative impact on my sex life and has, at many times, interfered with me having pleasurable sex. The more I learned about the complexity of my sexuality, the more I learned that there are so many women out there who experience many sexual highs and lows throughout their lifetime as well. It led me to wonder — just how common are sexual dysfunctions? And what can they teach us about ourselves?
Research studies found that 43% of women and 31% of men have reported some degree of sexual difficulty, including trouble getting wet, trouble staying wet, painful intercourse, and more. And these are just the numbers of those who reported. Imagine how much higher these numbers are when they include people who refrain from bringing up sexual issues to their doctors out of shame or people who don’t even realize they are experiencing sexual issues in the first place.
I for one didn’t even realize that I had vaginismus (when the muscles of the vagina involuntarily squeeze or spasm) until I learned about it in a book. I thought it was normal to be tense in my pelvic floor region and I had no idea it was a cause for concern. What many people don’t realize is that most sexual dysfunctions are a hybrid of psychological/social, hormonal, and physical mishap — often leaning more towards the psychological/social side. For example, the more trauma I experienced in my romantic relationships, the worse my vaginismus got. It started as a trauma then transitioned to a dysfunction. My body conditioned itself to “protect me from danger” and tense up at the thought or presence of a lover. Wild, right?
We live in a culture full of shame and sex negativity. Sex is a topic that in 2020, still many people are hesitant to discuss. And by growing up in a sex-negative culture, it’s almost inevitable to experience a sexual dysfunction at some point in your life without proper sex education, nonjudgmental guidance, or a safe space to talk about these things. It’s important to remember that experiencing a sexual dysfunction or hangup does not mean you are broken. It’s important to remember that it’s the system that’s broken, not you.
Sexual dysfunctions can creep their way into your life without you even being aware of it. It was only once I became very intentional about my sex life and my pleasure that I was able to start the process of a “reset” on my body and begin feeling free in my sexuality again. Many people will say that, in order to enjoy sex, you’ve got to get out of your head, but actually the opposite is true. You have to be in touch with yourself, in control of your mind, and completely present to experience uninhibited pleasure.
SheOrgasms supplements, kegels, breathwork, and CBD lube have all been catalysts in my healing process and have significantly helped me become more connected to my sexuality. Specifically, SheOrgasms supplements help me get wet and stay wet so sex is no longer painful for me. Sorting through my relational traumas and being intimate with people that I fully trust have been the only things that get me to relax. Thankfully it’s easier now more than ever to access online forums, support groups, and one-on-one therapy to assist you in your journey. Overall, it’s just a much more healthy and effective approach to view sexual difficulties not as dysfunction but as indicators that something in your life needs your attention. Whether that “something” is a new prescription medication, a life event, a need to sort through trauma, or just a sign to slow down, it’s worth reflecting on to make sure nothing is coming in the way of you having the type of sex you want and deserve.
This article isn’t about how to cure vaginismus or any other sexual dysfunction (I’ll save those resources for the health professionals), rather it’s about harnessing awareness of the direct impact that our mental, emotional, and social well-beings have on our sexuality. Whether it’s stress in the world or stress in your love life, our sexualities take note and our bodies respond by protecting us in the ways they know how. Thankfully, you can train your body to respond in a different way. You can reverse conditioning and open yourself to experiencing pleasure again. You can choose sexual scenarios that only feel 100% safe and comfortable for you. You can work towards eliminating fear and discomfort and start prioritizing your pleasure today and onwards.