The most beautiful place to be is here with me and my words right now. Really try to read through this entire blog post without your mind drifting off to useless internal jibber-jabber. This will be the start to your mindfulness journey.
In this fast, chaotic, unpredictable world we exist in it’s easy to allow your mind to drift down into doubt, fear, and worry. Ultimately creating a lot of stress in the body.
If you didn't know before, life isn’t supposed to be a complicated, tough journey. Your mind just tries to make it complicated (the mind is successful at this in most beings), but life is really as smooth and natural as breathing once you allow yourself to fully trust and know you are divinely protected and you begin to own your magnificence.
The mind can be so full of questions, concerns, suggestions, and critiques towards ourselves, others and our environment. The one place we all wish our minds did not interfere is while engaging in sexual play with our lover. Over-thinking is the #1 blocker of orgasms. I haven’t checked this statement out with any scientists or researchers; just a truth from my experience and others. I found myself thinking of everything from what I was going to eat later to awkward thoughts, insecurities, replaying conversations, it was a bunch of very unsexy thoughts. I have tried everything under the roof to help quiet the mind during sex and I’ve finally found the recipe.
First we must get a better understanding of the 3 main contributions to being mentally present during sex.
1. Mindfulness Practices
Mindfulness practices are actually quite fun. It’s simply just seeing yourself do something. Being attentive instead of reacting or analyzing things with your mind. So for an example, let’s take a task that I know and hope we are all doing at least once a day; brushing your teeth. Being mindful during that time, you would want to observe how the toothpaste glides on the brush bristles, how it smells as it passes your nose to your mouth, feel the bristles brushing against each tooth, your gums, your tongue, observe the sensations from it. Listen to the water running, envision the way the water swooshes around your mouth and all the bacteria swirling around in the pool of water. Watch as you spit out the water, how it feels exiting your mouth, watch it splash in the sink and glide down the drain. That is brushing mindfully. You can apply this practice to absolutely everything you do, driving, eating, listening, walking, etc.
Meditating can be difficult, because there is a collective fear amongst most humans of sitting alone with their thoughts. Subconsciously we are afraid of what might rise to the surface from the darkness of our own mind?
You may think that you can’t actually control the thoughts, or you may get frustrated because the thoughts keep reappearing, worried you can’t focus, or may not have the environment to do it successfully. So many reasons we assume meditating is too difficult. Well, I’m here to tell you that wherever you decide to start is perfect, because it’s the starting that makes it perfect. Perfection to me means the continuous learning and growing of self from within. The only way to hear and see within is through silence of the mind. When your mind wanders simply observe it, and let it fade back out. Don’t get frustrated or annoyed. The thought came up for a reason, so pocket it for later analyzing. If it’s important it will come back to you. If not, let it go.
What you will want to do is find a quiet place, a safe environment, and a comfortable position. Close your eyes, or stare at the wall or ceiling. Breathe and focus on the sensations of your body. Start with the crown of your head down to the soles of your feet. Don’t forget to stop at your inner thighs, your lower back, your elbow, visit every part of your body. Observe any pain, tension, tingling, numbness, constrictions, and relaxedness; just observe.
You can also just sit and do absolutely nothing, Just sit in pure silence. It’s almost like taking an awake nap. These are some great ways to start the meditation journey. Once you start you will end up finding more and more meditations to do that are best in alignment with you, you’ll notice how good it makes you feel and how much you are able to create.
You can even use music, guided meditations or visuals. You can find them on Spotify, Apple Music, YouTube, and pretty much any streaming service. I’ll list a few of my favorites at the end of this post. Be sure to check them out!
I know this is going to sound strange but fear actually activates a very subtle restriction of the muscles around the anus, which in turn affects our entire breathing pattern. As our breathing becomes more shallow, the fear shows up through our need to maintain control over our lives. Being uptight, worried, over analyzers, frantic, nit-picky, are some examples of what keeps your anus restricted and your breathing constricted. You may notice that your breathing now may be tense and constricted, instead of deep and relaxing. Our breathing pattern is given to us based on the breathing patterns our mother had while in the womb. It switches every 7 years based on the main adults that are in your energetic field (aura). So by age 14 you already pretty much have a stressed out breathing pattern. When we are born out of an emotionally stable adult, who has gotten their breath back in sync with the grace of life, we birth a child that will have a perfect harmonious breathing pattern.
A good way to set your breath back to serenity, is to lay flat on your back and through your nose breath deep into your belly. Feel your diaphragm raise up high and then exhale through your nose. Continue to do this slowly will full breaths until your breathing relaxes you. Breathing into your chest is very inefficient, so when you notice yourself doing that, shift it back to your gut.
One main blocker of breathing beautifully is the collective feeling of Impatience. Impatience is not a natural attribute of the human character; scientifically it is a loss of your natural rhythm at a biological level. If you are feeling impatient, your breathing has become shallow and your nervous system is over stimulated. You feel as though things aren’t how you would like them to be. So you stress about the future, or obsess over the past, or continuously obsess over what you want out of life. When you've reach a higher frequency mentally you know there is nothing to worry about because all things are happening perfectly for you, at all times. What’s really going on is that you have forgotten to trust. Trust in yourself, trust in God and trust in the Universe, I’m here to remind you again that you are whole, perfect, strong, loving, divine, protected, and magical. And nothing is out of your reach, you just have to trust and be patient.
When you truly begin to trust again it’s easier to breathe properly and actually pay attention to your breathing pattern. Your body becomes lighter and you’re able to truly be one with your mind, body and soul.
There are now specialists that can help you with your breath work, and it is so important to start paying attention to your pattern and aligning it to your center.
Meditation, mindfulness and breath work is simply a matter of perception and attitude. If your breathing is calm, rhythmic and deep then time appears to dissolve, that’s how you know you’ve reached a beautiful level of pure consciousness. When you become aware of your own impatience and restlessness, the deeper you begin to sink into your true center and the less you are concerned with time and timing. That beautiful level of consciousness is a higher frequency, and that frequency is obtained through patience.
Patience is so important when it comes to quieting the mind. Patience allows you to hear the melodies of life’s natural music. You are able to properly breathe deeply into your belly and never feel trapped by your outer life situations. Patience allows you to trust again. It keeps your heart and mind open and makes life seem simple and easy. As it should be.
How do you apply all of this to being mentally present during sex?
- Narrate your reality by paying attention to what is happening during sex. Example: Envision the way your lover's tongue is circling your clit, notice how your clit jumps and how it grows, notice how their chin is slightly brushing against your vulva, notice your nipples getting harder, watch where your lover’s hands are placed and how it makes your body feel. Narrate your reality in your mind.
- Focus on your breath. If your mind begins to wander to things that are not related to the sensuousness of the moment, simply switch to observing your breathing. Women tend to hold their breath during sex, and it is blocking your orgasmic blessings. BREATHEEEEEEE!!!! Please, and if and when you forget, just start back up. I do quick breaths, in through my nose, into my belly and out my mouth during sex. During my exhale I make sure it sounds like a sexy moan.
- Love on yourself. Don’t be afraid to caress yourself, squeeze your breast, play with your nipples, brush your legs against his body, thrust your body towards him. Do whatever is going to help you feel sensual and sexy during the moment.
- Don’t set any expectations. That puts pressure on you and your partner. Be happy with whatever outcome, enjoy the process of intercourse. Don’t overthink or compare to other people’s experiences. Stop watching porn and use the creativity of your mind. The fears, insecurities and doubts that may be coursing through your mind are not always true and out of the infinite amount of thought possibilities, I’m certain your lover isn’t thinking what you think they’re thinking. So relax and just enjoy the moment. Be present!
- Have a better attitude. Going in with a defeated attitude (I’m not going to cum, he’s going to cum fast, this isn’t going to feel good, I feel fat, I look a mess, my vagina has a hair bump, etc.) is going to end in disappointment. Be enthusiastic, you are a manifestor and your words, thoughts and feelings will manifest your reality. So be intentional. Set your intentions before sexual play. Pick a better story; “I’m going to really enjoy myself, I’m going to breathe and relax.” Whatever outcome you want, be intentional about that.
- Tap into your Divine Feminine. Be soft, vulnerable and open. Hopefully you are engaging with someone you trust and love so it should be easier to relax. Get your sexy on, talk sensually, tell your lover when you’re enjoying something, and be comfortable sharing what you would most enjoy. If you do not know what you would most enjoy, spend time with yourself to figure that out.
- Take your SheOrgasms supplements. One of the ingredients in SheOrgasms is Ashwagandha. Ashwagandha is such an amazing herb, it helps your body manage stress, ultimately relaxing your body and brain. It helps relieve anxiety and depression. When you have less stress/cortisol in your body you are able to relax more. Amongst the other herbs used, SheOrgasms is a great supplement for a woman to take, that also helps put you in the mood during sex and really enjoy the entire process.
Here is a link to my personal meditation playlist:
I hope your next session you experience sex on a whole new level!